Humor
If I find it funny, you might find it here.
------------------------------Seeing Eye Dog
A man is walking his dog when he sees a new bar. Feeling a bit of the thirst, he decides to go in for a drink. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy thinks fast..."This is my seeing-eye dog."
"I'm so sorry," the bartender says, "I apologize. Let me buy your first drink."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "If you want to bring that dog in here, you'd better tell the bartender that it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a second and replies "WHAT?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
True(?) Urban Legend
If you were tooling along Memorial Drive last week, you might have noticed an odd sight -- cops on horseback with radar guns to catch speeders.
Now there's a picture -- some SUV comes by at 60 mph, the cop dramatically rears his horse up on its hind legs and takes off in dauntless pursuit.
Until he realizes a horse can't go 60mph.
That can't work, can it? Outside of the movies, anyway.
HPD Sgt. Michelle Sandoval says, alas, that the horses do not get involved in any chases. Instead, the officers just point at the speeders and signal them to pull off to the side of the road.
"Normally, if you wave to someone it's not that difficult... they know they're the ones speeding, and if they keep on going you just get a license plate and call it in," she says.
The horse-radar program has been "very successful," she says.
So if you're speeding, don't just look out for lurking patrol cars. Keep an eye peeled for horseflesh, too.
------------------------------
Bumper Sticker:
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi
fired from the window of a car
------------------------------
Funny video -- "You Got This Because..."
OK, I'm sick. Or my tastes have gone all downhill. But dammit, this is funny. And potentially *useful* as well! Caution -- some bad words, I'd call it PG-13.
(Link was bad, now fixed -- my apologies)
------------------------
Awesome free parody video
If you've got a high-speed connection, you've got to see this video. It's very well done, spot on with its humor, and has some pretty good acting. Two warnings -- first, it's got some mature themes (no nudity or violence, but they talk about some things). Second, it's 12 minutes of high-quality streaming video; don't bother trying to download it over dialup!
------------------------------
How I Learned to Play the Blues
From Peter T, from the Central Florida Folk group on Yahoo
Well, back where I came from, we had no instruments, no music, no notes. My daddy had half a C-clef that he picked up from a circus carny, but he knew no more what to do with it than a nun in a pickle factory. Anyway, we were out lynching horse thievees one day, and it happened that we were lynching someone real heavy, and someone real light, and I got the idea of plucking the ropes, and when I found that they gave off different sounds, apart from the moaning and groaning of course, then I was off.
We had lots of horse thieves in those days, and because my daddy worked for the county, we were able after that to arange them in sequence. They'd string 'em up pentatonic, and I'd pluck away, and the neighbors woud dance. Hard times, but good times, too.
---------------------------------
Clasic ebay Auctions
A couple of funny ebay auctions... will appear in the 'humor' section more permanently. The car auction (first) may disappear soon... so check it out while you can.
Car: ebay car (read the comments)
-------------------
At the end of last night's "American Idol", Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in US history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine.
-- Conan O'Brien
--------------------
A story from Reader's Digest, quite a few years ago...
The not-long-wed young couple was short of funds. They needed to replace their mattress, and found a great deal on one that had been returned for some reason. One of the couples' moms objected -- "How can you even consider sleeping on a *used mattress*?
The young bride simply asked, "Have you ever stayed in a motel?"
I think that was the end of the issue.
--------------------
Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie and they love garage sales, but they don't seem to like getting garage-sale lingerie as a gift.
------------
The Moods of A Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction, she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods Of A Man
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
------------
Safari, So Good
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where is that darned monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"